Thursday, February 3, 2011

Suggested memes for eager trendseekers

It turns out porno quilting
is a real thing.
I've got a lot of very fine ideas for hit nonfiction memoir/self-help titles, but am too lazy to write them.  Would you like to?  You don't even have to share the money with me, just thank me profusely in your acknowledgements section.  Which, by law, must be at least three pages long.

Passive Daddy's Parenting Boot Camp
My Year Of Only Snacking
Vodka Buddha
1000 Prescriptions: My Harrowing Journey Through Hell To Purity
Fertility By Proxy: A Love Story
Baby Talk Saved Our Marriage
Kickball King: A 40-Year-Old Man Repeats Fifth Grade
Chimp Vs. Child: A Homeschooling Odyssey
Pill Pals
Bros Before Hoes: How Four Heterosexual Men Discovered Communal Gardening
The Hirsute Nearsighted Men's Midnight Samovar Society
The Videogame Organic Cola Cure
Hipster Tent City: Six Months In A Vacant Lot In Flatbush
The Power Of Clowning
Vow Of Silence
Canning Therapy
The Swap: How My Sister And I Traded Husbands And Why We're Not Switching Back
Laced: How I Overcame Drug Addiction Through Tatting
In The Margin: My Year Living In A Highway Median Strip
Kickboxing Librarian Sex Goddess Speaks
Philosopher Dogwalker
Mating Call Of The Thai Noodle Daddy
Cry Every Hour
The Booksellers' Noonday Forced Laughter Club
Krumping With Aunt Sue: How L.A. Street Dancing Healed My Family
Driving My Neighbor's Kid From Houston To Anchorage
The Lego Sex Life Solution
Par None: How I Found Myself Through Ironic Golf Playing
The Unemployed Academics' Five O'Clock Actors' Studio
My Year Of Muttonchops
Scavenge For Life
How I Found And Kept True Love Through Celibacy
The Netflix Marriage
My Year Of Buying Every Single Thing I Wanted
Multiple Orgasms Through Prayer
My Year Of Being Constantly Stoned
My Year Of Lies
Porno Quilter


violentbore said...

I love, love, love titles without content. Par None and Porno Quilter (also, a suitable video game title) are my favorites. This reminds me of something I put together last year. (Please feel free to erase if I've monopolized the comments space.)

A List of Lists I've Never Made

- Memorized Poems
- Reasons to Start Smoking Again
- Clothing: A Wardrobe
- Cusses
- Band Names Which Don't Begin in 'The'
- Places I'd Have Rather Lost My Virginity
- Knees: Uses
- Successful Apologies To Mom
- Nine Allergies
- 35 Joyful Sounding Songs That Depress Me
- People I'd Like To Own
- Desirable Cell Phone Features
- Things Forgotten / Flights Missed Due To Blackout
- Items In My Apartment Which Belong To Someone With Whom I No Longer Speak.
- Numbers That Soothe
- Discontinued Hamburgers
- Films I've Watched Alone
- Snappy Wedding Vow Openers
- Appropriate Pet Names By Species
- Laws Better Ignored
- Dead Presidents I'd Have Supported
- Potential Beach Volleyball Partners (By Height)
- Words I'll Continue To Mispronounce
- Winning Excuses
- Milk Fat Percentages and Intestinal Agreeability
- Obscure Regional Supermarket Chains
- Places I'll Visit Once You're Gone For Good
- European Rivers (By Odor, Then Hue)
- Classic Novels I'll Never Read
- Rules For Pre-Funereal Scavenger Hunt
- Items From My Will For Pre-Funereal Scavenger Hunt Winners (By Place)
- Songs To Play At My Funeral To Prove I Had A Sense Of Humor
- Songs To Play At My Funeral To Prove I Enjoyed Interesting Music
- People Who Should Dress Me For My Funeral
- People Who Cannot Attend My Funeral
- People Who Should Read At My Funeral
- People I'll Allow To Sit Quietly At My Funeral
- Clever Bumperstickers to Slap on My Casket
- Suggested Post-Funereal Activities For Guests
- Suggested Post-Funereal Activities For Guests (Extended)

Dylan Hicks said...

These are all great, from the post and the comment. I love the list of fake books in Gilbert Sorrentino's "Mulligan's Stew." One that comes to mind from that list is "Born to be Italian." No one seems to think it's as funny as I do.

knigt said...

Cry Every Hour has to be the best book never written.

Anonymous said...

knigt, write that book.

Those are all funny!--actually, slightly different topic, I do love writing funny lists. There was a hilarious list of fake poet names William Stafford wrote as a poem once...all I remember is that one was Cruncher Gaspard.

Kevin Spaide said...

I second Cry Every Hour - great title for a book never written - though Pill Pals sounds quite touching. A nonexistent book destined to become a nonexistent movie.